ready. set. wait.

I can't sleep.

There's a lot going on in my head right now, and a lot of it hangs in the balance of uncertainty. I've always said that the only thing i'm sure of other than God is Colombia...so naturally, when i'm not thinking about everything, i'm thinking about that.

What am i doing here? This is the question that has me stumped, day after day. I can ask myself about all kinds of other things in my life and what will become of them, but none bother me so much as this. If i'm sure about Colombia, then what am i doing wasting my time being unsure of everything else? There are children over there who need help, and i'm available and capable to give it...so again, what am i doing here?

I had a crazy thought tonight. Most of my craziest thoughts come to me right around this time, but it's not until morning that i realize how crazy they actually are. I figure i've still got a good seven hours at least before that moment hits, so i might as well milk this idea for all it's worth while my brain is up to it. Anyway, here's the thought: What if i moved to Colombia? I know i've mentioned the possibility before, but in the past i was thinking along the lines of maybe two months, if that. Now i'm talking perhaps four.

Winter in Colombia.

Why not? I mean, honestly, what's keeping me? I don't have kids or a house...my job will still be here when i get back...and the people i'd miss the most would either be happy and support me or join up with me at some point anyway.

I don't want to be brash, but the truth is, each day that goes by i feel more and more like i'm just biding my time, and for what? I don't even know. So maybe i didn't start off on the right foot in this stage of my life. If God's mercies are new every morning, then tomorrow i have an opportunity to begin again with a clean slate. And maybe all the things i hoped i'd be experiencing by now aren't meant to play a part in my life just yet. But if that's the case, then i'm wasting a heck of a lot of time being confused and stumbling around trying to attain them in vain when all the while i could be missing out on something wonderful, something truly important.

I don't want to let this opportunity go by. I'm young, i'm able, i'm unbound. If God can use me to serve somewhere, then i want him to. I saw a movie recently about a group of strangers who became connected while fighting in the war in Iraq. Most of the movie focused on their lives after returning home...those who survived, that is. While most of them struggled and faced trials and experienced tragedies and in the end found something meaningful to help get them through the daily grind of life, there was one young man who eventually chose to go back to Iraq and continue fighting. Not necessarily because he was for the war, but because he was for his men. He felt it was his calling to support them, to give as much of himself and his skills as humanly possible simply because he could. He was young and able and unbound. At first, much the same as i imagine most viewers felt, i couldn't quite understand why someone with so much potential for life in general would choose to jump right back into the fire when he'd been given the chance to escape. And i'm in no way comparing myself to a soldier, but now i think i get it. When this young man came home, he became horribly confused and unsure about everything he'd ever known. He tried to make the best of it, but his heart remained in Iraq. He knew that he could be used to serve somewhere, and so he went back.

I'm still not 100% sold on the idea of moving to Colombia. For all i know, the sun will come up tomorrow and with it, Reason. But i'm starting to wonder if Reason is just another term for Excuse in the Idiot's Guide to Kidding Oneself.

In imminence, i wait.