I can't sleep.
There's a lot going on in my head right now, and a lot of it hangs in the balance of uncertainty. I've always said that the only thing i'm sure of other than God is Colombia...so naturally, when i'm not thinking about everything, i'm thinking about that.
What am i doing here? This is the question that has me stumped, day after day. I can ask myself about all kinds of other things in my life and what will become of them, but none bother me so much as this. If i'm sure about Colombia, then what am i doing wasting my time being unsure of everything else? There are children over there who need help, and i'm available and capable to give it...so again, what am i doing here?
I had a crazy thought tonight. Most of my craziest thoughts come to me right around this time, but it's not until morning that i realize how crazy they actually are. I figure i've still got a good seven hours at least before that moment hits, so i might as well milk this idea for all it's worth while my brain is up to it. Anyway, here's the thought: What if i moved to Colombia? I know i've mentioned the possibility before, but in the past i was thinking along the lines of maybe two months, if that. Now i'm talking perhaps four.
Winter in Colombia.
Why not? I mean, honestly, what's keeping me? I don't have kids or a house...my job will still be here when i get back...and the people i'd miss the most would either be happy and support me or join up with me at some point anyway.
I don't want to be brash, but the truth is, each day that goes by i feel more and more like i'm just biding my time, and for what? I don't even know. So maybe i didn't start off on the right foot in this stage of my life. If God's mercies are new every morning, then tomorrow i have an opportunity to begin again with a clean slate. And maybe all the things i hoped i'd be experiencing by now aren't meant to play a part in my life just yet. But if that's the case, then i'm wasting a heck of a lot of time being confused and stumbling around trying to attain them in vain when all the while i could be missing out on something wonderful, something truly important.
I don't want to let this opportunity go by. I'm young, i'm able, i'm unbound. If God can use me to serve somewhere, then i want him to. I saw a movie recently about a group of strangers who became connected while fighting in the war in Iraq. Most of the movie focused on their lives after returning home...those who survived, that is. While most of them struggled and faced trials and experienced tragedies and in the end found something meaningful to help get them through the daily grind of life, there was one young man who eventually chose to go back to Iraq and continue fighting. Not necessarily because he was for the war, but because he was for his men. He felt it was his calling to support them, to give as much of himself and his skills as humanly possible simply because he could. He was young and able and unbound. At first, much the same as i imagine most viewers felt, i couldn't quite understand why someone with so much potential for life in general would choose to jump right back into the fire when he'd been given the chance to escape. And i'm in no way comparing myself to a soldier, but now i think i get it. When this young man came home, he became horribly confused and unsure about everything he'd ever known. He tried to make the best of it, but his heart remained in Iraq. He knew that he could be used to serve somewhere, and so he went back.
I'm still not 100% sold on the idea of moving to Colombia. For all i know, the sun will come up tomorrow and with it, Reason. But i'm starting to wonder if Reason is just another term for Excuse in the Idiot's Guide to Kidding Oneself.
In imminence, i wait.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
the dinosaurs are happy tonight
My mother and i came home tonight with these big old grins on our faces. We had just finished talking to Gabriela and a bunch of the kids at El Camino, who were enjoying their first real meal in a while.
Somewhere around 1:00 this afternoon, we had the money wired down to Gabriela through Western Union. By 4:00, she had already paid off her debt to the grocer and was food shopping for the kids. On top of that, welfare finally came and delivered 100lbs of sugar and 300lbs of rice. The immediacy of the whole process was simply astounding, and even now i'm amazed at how in fact God goes about rewarding the faithful. Not only does Gabriela spend every minute of her life running a large home and taking care of abandoned children, she never worries about where her provision will come from.
Needless to say, Gabriela was very thankful, and so were the kids. We used the speakerphone again so my mother and i could both talk to them, and boy is that fun. Hearing their voices and giggles like that makes me feel like i'm right there with them...sitting outside in the warmth of the evening, watching them eat dinner with such gusto. The little ones would be kicking their legs back and forth under the tables while the older ones would serve them milk or juice. All of them asked when we were coming, even though they'd been told already a hundred times. They thanked us for the food and said they loved us.
I realized today that i'm always going to feel incomplete without these kids...without Brayan and Emilio and Marcos and Cristian, Melanie and Yessica...all of them so beautiful and all of them taking up another little space in my heart. And if i ever start to forget even a tiny piece of all that wonderfulness known as El Camino, i'm just one phone call away from remembering.
Thank you, God, for always remembering.
Somewhere around 1:00 this afternoon, we had the money wired down to Gabriela through Western Union. By 4:00, she had already paid off her debt to the grocer and was food shopping for the kids. On top of that, welfare finally came and delivered 100lbs of sugar and 300lbs of rice. The immediacy of the whole process was simply astounding, and even now i'm amazed at how in fact God goes about rewarding the faithful. Not only does Gabriela spend every minute of her life running a large home and taking care of abandoned children, she never worries about where her provision will come from.
Needless to say, Gabriela was very thankful, and so were the kids. We used the speakerphone again so my mother and i could both talk to them, and boy is that fun. Hearing their voices and giggles like that makes me feel like i'm right there with them...sitting outside in the warmth of the evening, watching them eat dinner with such gusto. The little ones would be kicking their legs back and forth under the tables while the older ones would serve them milk or juice. All of them asked when we were coming, even though they'd been told already a hundred times. They thanked us for the food and said they loved us.
I realized today that i'm always going to feel incomplete without these kids...without Brayan and Emilio and Marcos and Cristian, Melanie and Yessica...all of them so beautiful and all of them taking up another little space in my heart. And if i ever start to forget even a tiny piece of all that wonderfulness known as El Camino, i'm just one phone call away from remembering.
Thank you, God, for always remembering.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
true religion
Almost everyone already knows at this point, but here's the official statement: We're going back to Colombia. And by we, i mean myself, my parents and three other people from my church, as well as six people from a church out of Michigan. It's a large team and most are new to the mission field, so i'm actually quite interested to see how the dynamics of it will play out. We leave July 9th, but it's never too early to start praying for us!
There are a couple of updates, and i'll start with fundraising. The cost of this trip is $1500/person, which is normal. We put together another variety show and raised a lot of money that night, which was pretty awesome. We've sent out all our letters and started the annoying but necessary harassment rituals with friends and family and yes, even strangers. But the coolest thing i think we've done so far is find sponsors for each and every child and staff member at El Camino. We handed out these large plastic bags to people and after they picked which child or adult they wanted to sponsor, they went out and bought some new articles of clothing to fill the bag with. A bunch of people even wrote little notes, which makes me excited for them because i know they'll be getting a response back. I can't wait to distribute these bags in Colombia. This will probably be the first time the children have ever received brand new clothing at the orphanage, nevermind clothes they don't have to share...it's certainly the first time we've brought them. I can already see the looks on their faces, and that fills me with joy. For those of us who've been to El Camino several times, it's going to be a great moment.
Unfortunately, i'm going to bring the mood down a bit. We were informed the other night by Gabriela that the children have no food right now. El Camino is facing severe hardships, and they've been struggling for a while but when the children are going hungry, you know things are pretty bad. There are several reasons we know of why this is happening, and probably more that we don't know. The first is longstanding debt. When we went to Colombia in November, Gabriela owed some money to someone for shoes that she bought for the children, so we paid that off. Now she owes money to the grocery store, which is enough to prevent her from going back until she can come up with the money. The other, more major, reason for the financial stress is lack of support. El Camino is a non-profit home run strictly by donations, and last month they were surviving off of 40% of their usual income.
My mother's been keeping my pastor updated over the last couple of days, and he's been amazing, determined to find some way to meet the immediate needs of the children's home. All of us have been reminded of James 1:27, the guiding verse behind every missionary: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." And so my pastor decided it would be best to wire some money down to Colombia, which should take place tomorrow morning. We'll be sending them money to pay off their debt to the supermarket as well as some money for food.
It breaks my heart to stand by and watch the children in Colombia suffer. And yet, we're not just standing by. We're seeing a need, and we're meeting it. And someday, when we stand before God in the new Jerusalem, as it is written in the book of Matthew, He'll say, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." Not, "You read your Bible every night and went to church every Sunday." Not, "You never uttered a curse or lashed out in anger." You took care of the orphans and widows. You put their needs before your own. You gave even when you had nothing to give. That is the religion of the God i serve.
I'm not patting ourselves on the back with this story, i'm reminding us all of what is truly important in life. Mainly, i'm reminding myself. Why i choose Jesus Christ, and why i believe. Because it's not about rules or trying to reach impossible levels of perfection or earn my way to an afterlife. It's about love...accepting it, and then giving it away.
There are a couple of updates, and i'll start with fundraising. The cost of this trip is $1500/person, which is normal. We put together another variety show and raised a lot of money that night, which was pretty awesome. We've sent out all our letters and started the annoying but necessary harassment rituals with friends and family and yes, even strangers. But the coolest thing i think we've done so far is find sponsors for each and every child and staff member at El Camino. We handed out these large plastic bags to people and after they picked which child or adult they wanted to sponsor, they went out and bought some new articles of clothing to fill the bag with. A bunch of people even wrote little notes, which makes me excited for them because i know they'll be getting a response back. I can't wait to distribute these bags in Colombia. This will probably be the first time the children have ever received brand new clothing at the orphanage, nevermind clothes they don't have to share...it's certainly the first time we've brought them. I can already see the looks on their faces, and that fills me with joy. For those of us who've been to El Camino several times, it's going to be a great moment.
Unfortunately, i'm going to bring the mood down a bit. We were informed the other night by Gabriela that the children have no food right now. El Camino is facing severe hardships, and they've been struggling for a while but when the children are going hungry, you know things are pretty bad. There are several reasons we know of why this is happening, and probably more that we don't know. The first is longstanding debt. When we went to Colombia in November, Gabriela owed some money to someone for shoes that she bought for the children, so we paid that off. Now she owes money to the grocery store, which is enough to prevent her from going back until she can come up with the money. The other, more major, reason for the financial stress is lack of support. El Camino is a non-profit home run strictly by donations, and last month they were surviving off of 40% of their usual income.
My mother's been keeping my pastor updated over the last couple of days, and he's been amazing, determined to find some way to meet the immediate needs of the children's home. All of us have been reminded of James 1:27, the guiding verse behind every missionary: "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress..." And so my pastor decided it would be best to wire some money down to Colombia, which should take place tomorrow morning. We'll be sending them money to pay off their debt to the supermarket as well as some money for food.
It breaks my heart to stand by and watch the children in Colombia suffer. And yet, we're not just standing by. We're seeing a need, and we're meeting it. And someday, when we stand before God in the new Jerusalem, as it is written in the book of Matthew, He'll say, "Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me." Not, "You read your Bible every night and went to church every Sunday." Not, "You never uttered a curse or lashed out in anger." You took care of the orphans and widows. You put their needs before your own. You gave even when you had nothing to give. That is the religion of the God i serve.
I'm not patting ourselves on the back with this story, i'm reminding us all of what is truly important in life. Mainly, i'm reminding myself. Why i choose Jesus Christ, and why i believe. Because it's not about rules or trying to reach impossible levels of perfection or earn my way to an afterlife. It's about love...accepting it, and then giving it away.
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